Not Another Secret Life Story
by juicyfruit007
Summary: My parody/spoof of the secret life! Set during season 3. Makes fun of the characters. Don't get me wrong, this show is well-written, but it's gotten slightly ridiculous. I spoof that! If you can't take a joke, don't read!
1. diamonds and pecan pie

**A/N: So yeah. After watching the last few episodes, this has been on my mind. Don't get me wrong, it's a great show, but the plot has just gotten so repetitive …(sigh)…it just had to be done.**

**And yes, I am aware that this has been done before. I'll try to keep this different from other parodies on here. :]**

**Episode spoofed: Ney York, New York**

**Scene: the one where Ben tells Amy he's having a baby with Adrian**

* * *

**At New York…**

.

**Ben**: Amy, I love you, and the time we've spent together is very special. We've had our ups and downs, but I've always been your diamond in the rough. You know, 'cause I'm rich, and you've been through, erm, some rough times…

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**Amy**: (beams and blushes) Oh, Ben…

.

**Ben**: Oh, BTW, I knowcked up Adrian, sorry 'bout that. Hope we're okay. Want some pecan pie?

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**Amy**: (snorts like a bull and grows horns) YOU IMBECILE, HOW COULD YOU? I SHALL EQUALLY HATE YOU AND PECAN PIE FOREVERMORE! ( begins foaming at the mouth)

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**Ben**: listen, I think you're making way too big a deal out of this. I mean, I know you're mad at me, but please don't take it out on the pie! And I have a calculus test tomorrow!

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**Amy**: (huffs again)

.

**Ben**: come on Amy, don't be mad…Daddy and I flew out here on the private jet just to see you and were about to buy you a nice dinner!

.

**Amy**: you can't buy my love, Ben. Maybe you can from your new mommy, but not me!

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**Ben**: but I accepted you when I found out Ricky got you pregnant!

.

**Amy**: exactly! Is it too much to ask that people on this stupid show learn from each others' mistakes?

.

**Ben**: but, but—I even offered to marry you when I realized you were preggo!

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**Amy**: okay, maybe I'll ask Adrian to marry me, then!

.

**Ben**: (lights up) can I join the honeymoon?

.

**Amy**: (looks disgusted) You son of a bitch! And baby daddy of an even bigger bitch! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS, AND THANKS FOR RUINING PECAN PIE FOR ME! (gets in the cab and rides off)

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**Ben**: oh well, I tried. Hmm, wonder what Grace is doing…maybe she can make me some cookies!

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**Amy**: (pulls back up) AND DON'T SAY PREGO, DOUCHE! IT REMINDS ME OF SPAGHETTI! (rides off again)

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**Ben**: OH YEAH? WELL DON'T SAY DOUCHE! IT REMINDS ME OF…uh, a cleansing tool!

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**Leo** (aka Ben's rich daddy): douchebag? I'm guessing the talk didn't go too well…

.

**Ben**: I think I'll shut up now…

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**Leo**: good call. And next time, start with the pie for crying out loud!

* * *

**A/N: yes, I know; FAIL. But don't worry, I thought of something HILARIOUS for the next chapter. That is, if you guys want me to continue this. Review! **

**Oh, and let me know about any other scenes you'd like to see spoofed! :]**


	2. it rhymes with icky

**A/N: Wow, I had a lot of fun writing this chapter and I can't wait for you guys to check it out. Especially George's wonderful poem. ;)**

**And thanks to agony-fairy for suggesting this scene, and everyone else who reviewed! :)**

**Episodes spoofed: New York, New York and The Sounds of Silence**

**Scenes: the one where Ashley and Ricky have the conversation, and the one where George and Ashley eat dinner together and talk about Ricky**

* * *

Ricky: we should be ashamed of ourselves.

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Ashley: well, I'm not!

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Ricky: this isn't right. You and I can never be.

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Ashley: we can if we want! You knocked up my sister, why not meee! (wails)

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Ricky: this is wrong on so many levels.

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Ashley: it's not technically incest…(grins)

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Ricky: keep it down, will ya? Your parents are probably listening!

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Ashley: good! Then they'll know how we're madly in love!

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Ricky: love? Please, you started flirtin' with me long before I started flirtin' back (grins)

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Ashley: AHH, MY EARS! NOT THE F-BOMB! (falls to knees in pain) please excuse me, I feel a surge of disgust…must…not…vomit!

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Ricky: (rolls eyes) I cant help it, I'm just a chick magnet (grins, picturing millions of girls drooling over him and chanting things like "OH, RICKY! YOU'RE SO HOTT! YEAH, I'D HAVE YOUR BABY! CALL ME SOMETIME!")

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Ashley: yeah, you're also a baby magnet, Mr. Spermanator!

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Ricky: yep, can't keep the babes off of me! (grins some more)

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Ashley: oh, grow up! (storms off)

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Ricky: maybe I should leave

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George: (pops in) ya think?

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**Later, at the fancy restaurant (where George is eating with Ashley)…**

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George: we gotta talk about this whole Ricky thing.

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Ashley: yeah, yeah, I know it's not meant to be…unless it is! (looks hopeful)

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George: NO! It's not!

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Ashley: (sighs) I know it's wrong…

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George: _completely_ wrong

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Ashley: BUT I JUST CAN'T HELP IT, OKAY? HE'S A FREAKIN' GIRL MAGNET! AND I KNOW HE'S SLEPT AROUND WITH ALMOST EVERY GIRL IN SCHOOL AND IMPREGNATED MY SISTER, BUT IT'S DIFFERENT WITH ME, OKAY?

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George: NO, IT'S NOT! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

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Ashley: (sneers) it's not like you can blame him, Dad…I mean, he's had Amy, Adrian, Grace and me. And you've had all our moms! He's just a younger version of you!

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George: (sighs) have you kissed him?

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Ashley: (giggles) well, I was going to, but then _he_ kissed _me_. Dear God, I hope he seduces me! Then I can finally get laid and piss off Amy at the same time! (laughs evilly)

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George: um…so he…kissed _you_?

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Ashley: yep, it was like a dream come true! I felt like a fairy princess! We're gonna live happily ever after!

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George: no you're not! I'm not gonna have him hurt both my girls. So to spare you the pain of what's gonna happen, I have composed a little haiku. (ahem)

…

There once was a player named Ricky,

He slept around and had a big dicky.

Don't go too close or he'll give you a hickey,

If you see your sister's, it's shaped like Mickey.

You'll want him so bad; you'll give him a lickey,

But as it turns out, he tastes kinda icky.

What do you know, maybe he's sicky!

.

Ashley: -Dad!

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George: what? This is where the STD's come in! and that's not even the best part!

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Ashley: (sighs) That's not even a haiku, that's a limerick.

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George: Don't be a smart-ass. And since when do you pay attention in school?

Anyway, dating him can be tricky, he can also be picky. And after everything, he'll dump you for a slut named Vicky!

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Ashley: Dad!

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George: what? It rhymed with Icky Ricky!

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Vicky: (pops in out of nowhere) HEY, TWERPS, DID SOMEONE CALL ME?

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Ashley: hey! It's Vicky from the _Fairly OddParents!_

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George: what're you doin' here? Shouldn't you be making Timmy Turner's life miserable?

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Vicky: well, I just couldn't help overhearing your _delightful_ haiku, and I just had to ask…is this "Ricky" you speak of single?

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Ashley: BACK OFF BITCH, HE'S MINE!

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Vicky: NEVER! MWA-HA-HA-HAAA! (pulls out chainsaw and other Timmy-torture devices) HE WILL BE MINE!

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Ashley: (tackles her to the ground) NO! MY PRECIOUS RICKY WILL NEVER WANT TO BE WITH YOU, ICKY VICKY!

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George: whoa, he IS a chick magnet! The kid can even turn on animated chicks! Oh, and if he hurts my other daughter, i'll give him a kicky...(continues reciting poetry)

.

* * *

**A/N: Okay, I was originally going to stick to the story, but I had too much fun getting Ashley in a catfight with a cartoon character. I just had to include Icky Vicky in there! (lol, that's what parodies are for, anyway.)**

**And personally, I thought the whole Ricky/Ashley thing was kinda gross. I mean, they **_**would**_** be cute if he hadn't knocked up her sister first! But then again, it's probably just a phase. Later she might fall for Ben, or even Jack…since apparently, every character has to be paired with every other character at least once on a drama show. :P**

**So yeah, review! Should I continue? Any other scene suggestions? I was thinking maybe the one where Grace starts dancing with Madison and Jack just to tell them she has a date with Ben. That scene was just begging to be spoofed! :)**


	3. Grace on Kesha and Gaga

**A/N: okay, I'm gonna rate this chapter M, just to be safe. Enjoy! :]**

* * *

Grace: (walks into guesthouse all dolled up) hey Jack! Madison…(glares)

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Jack: (turns to Madison) just ignore her. She'll leave.

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Grace: puh-lease, I have better things to do. I just came here to pass the time…and attempt to make Jack jealous by casually mentioning I have a date tonight. Mind if I dance like a whore in front of my—I mean _your_—boyfriend?

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Madison: psh, not at all! I mean, it's not like I'm threatened by you or anything. And it's not like I'm some crazy insecure girlfriend who compares every sexual experience she has with that of her best friend's…and waits outside random houses that her boyfriend parked his car in front of…psh, no way!

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Jack: (still oblivious) hey, do those brownies taste that good or is it just me?

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Grace: Jack, are you high again?

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Jack: dope! I mean, NOPE! (nods his head)

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Grace: JACK, YOU HAVEN'T EVEN THROWN OUT THE POT BROWNIES YET! HOW COULD YOU?

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Madison: (laughs) oh Grace, don't be such a prude.

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Grace: psh, I'm not a prude!

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Jack: (rolls eyes)

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(_Tik Tok_ by Kesha blares through the speakers)

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Grace: you know, I really don't get this song. I mean, why would boys want to touch my garbage? (looks utterly confused)

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Madison: (snorts)

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Jack: uh, it's _junk_.

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Grace: I still don't get it.

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Jack: what about "brush my teeth with a bottle of jack?" do you get that part? (smirks)

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Grace: no! I mean, what is a bottle of jack, and who brushes their teeth with bottles?

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Madison: (laughs) I brushed my teeth with a bottle of Jack this morning (winks at Jack)

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Grace: uhh…(looks uncomfortable)

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Madison: (starts making out with Jack, trying to outdo Lauren, who is busy sucking Jesse's face off)

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Grace: cool move…mind if I copy it? (shoves Madison aside and jams her tongue down Jack's throat)

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Madison: oh yeah? Well, check out this one! (shoves Grace aside, pulls Jack's pants down and gives him an impromptu blowjob)

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Grace: HOW DARE YOU SIN IN MY GUESTHOUSE? (faints)

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Jack: (rolls his eyes) chicks...whattaya gonna do with 'em? (shrugs)

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Madison: we sure showed her, huh Jackie? (smiles devilishly)

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Jack: uh, sure. ...So, who wants more brownies?

.

* * *

**Later, when Ben comes over to Grace's house…**

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Ben: mmm, good cookies.

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Grace: oh, don't worry, I can teach Adrian how to make them

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Ben: huh?

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Grace: oh it's nothing…I just hope that someday you won't leave Adrian—the mother of your baby—for me. Especially when your baby is sick…you know, like in that Lady Gaga song, _Bad Romance_? That's another song I don't get…

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Ben: uh, I won't. But I'm still deciding between you, Adrian, and Amy. I mean, the feisty Latina's grat in the sack, but you're a hot blonde "good girl" and Amy's been the love of my life since ten seconds after I met her. It's really a tough choice. (strokes his chin in deep thought)

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Grace: (puts hands over her heart) Oh, Ben, I'm here for you! You deserve all three of us! I'm gonna pray for you every night for at least two hours! Even though I _should_ be studying for med school…

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Ben: WHAT? You'd study instead of praying for me? How could you say something so selfish? I need all the help I can get, you know…

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Grace: (falls at Ben's feet) OH, BEN, I AM SO SORRY I DISSAPOINTED YOU! IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME FOR ALL YOUR OTHER OPTIONS! (sobs)

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Ben: (rolls eyes) whatever, just lemme take some cookies home.

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Grace: oh, take as many as you want! I'll make a whole other batch! Do you want the recipe?

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Ben: nah, I'll just keep coming here to get my sugar (kisses Grace)

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Grace: YES! And make sure to let Jack know what he's missing! uh, not that the orgasms he gave me can even compare to what you do to me, Ben! (grins)

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Ben: wait a minute, I don't want these cookies anymore!

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Grace: why not?

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Ben: I just remembered, you made these same cookies for Ricky when you were dating him. And whatever touches Ricky shall never touch me. Well, except Adrian's vagina…and hopefully Amy's (winks)

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Grace: oh, okay. Good luck with that! And no matter who you choose to date, I'll always be your friend, Ben!

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Ben: oh, that reminds me…would you mind getting down on the groun?

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Grace: well, it's a little early for—

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Ben: oh no, not that. I just wanna shine my new $4000 Italian loafers on something before I head out.

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Grace: oh, of course…wow, what a relief! (lays on the floor while Ben shines his shoes on her clothes)

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Ben: you know, some guys let their girlfriends walk all over them…I'm not one of those guys.

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Grace: (gushes): and that's precisely what I adore about you, Benjamin!

…So, about that Lady Gaga song…how can romance be bad? Isn't it supposed to be good? And another thing I don't get-

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Ben: (hurries out)

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Grace: uh, Ben?

.

* * *

**A/N: well, that was just my take on Ben and Grace's relationship. I feel like Ben's taking advantage of her, and the fact that she's always there. He also feels possessive about Adrian, and "loves" Amy but feels comfortable kissing other girls five seconds after they fight.**

**Oh, and I just had to make fun of Grace for being a prude. I'll crack up just picturing her listening to any kind of dirty song, no matter how mild the innuendo is… :)**

**Oh, and review! I'm always open for suggestions…or you could just tell me how funny I am. :]**


	4. the secret lives of players and whores

**A/N: Wow, it's been a while since I updated this. Hope you guys like this chapter! Make sure to read till the end, 'cause that's the funniest part. :)**

**Episode spoofed: The Sounds of Silence**

**Scenes Spoofed: the one where Adrian is hitting on her doctor, the one where Ben goes to Grace's house, and the one where Amy calls Adrian and offers to be her friend. :)**

**

* * *

**

**Ben: **uh, this isn't going like I had planned.

**.**

**Doctor: **and why is that?

**.**

**Ben: **well, for one thing, you're a boy…

**.**

**Adrian: **YES! (licks lips) Plus he's a _doctor_. I love men with stable careers!

**.**

**Doctor: **I'm married.

.

**Adrian**: oh, I don't mind!

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**Doctor**: uh-huh. Well, anyways, right now, your baby is about the size of a raspberry.

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**Adrian**: yeah, yeah, that's fascinating. Well, I just wanted to let you know that even though I'm carrying this guy's baby (points to Ben) and I have a bed buddy that isn't speaking to me, I can still make room for you, Doctor Sexy Beast! (winks)

.

**Ben**: NO! SHE'S MINE! Even though I'm making out with her BFF on the side and I have a girlfriend that isn't speaking to me…but still, I don't want you touching her!

.

**Adrian**: what, so Aria can hook up with her teacher on _Pretty Little Liars_, but I can't hook up with my doctor? What the hell?

.

* * *

**A/N: yeah, I know, I already spoofed the scene below. But I kinda forgot about that, so I did it again. Don't worry, it's different this time…lol.

* * *

**

**Ben**: (finishes talking about all the problems in his shitty life)

.

**Grace**: wow…it's so amazing how you manage to deal with all that, Ben! You're so talented…knock me up next!

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**Ben**: nah, child support costs way too much these days. Even though my rich daddy will be taking care of that, not me. But still, I'd be better off just getting a hooker.

.

**Grace**: oh, Ben…that is so incredibly _thoughtful_ of you! That's one way to save your dad some money!

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**Ben**: well, at least I still have a dad! (notices Grace's hurt expression) oh, sorry. For a second, I thought you were being sarcastic. Mmm…good cookies.

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**Grace**: I can teach Adrian how to make them if you want…or Amy, or whoever else you're dating besides me. (smiles brightly).

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**Ben**: oh, Adrian doesn't need to learn that…she's already read a book called 101 ways to please your man. That's plenty for me!

.

**Grace**: oh…right. (sighs sadly).

.

**Ben**: you know Grace; you, Adrian, and Amy are a lot like these cookies to me. You're all smooth on the outside and just melt in my mouth. None of you are special or different, but that's okay, I love you all! (gets crazed look and starts licking cookies)

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**Grace**: well, since you put it that way, I totally understand! You deserve all of us!

.

**Ben**: I know. (begins frenching cookies). Plus, you know how it is…I can never have just one!

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**Grace**: (looks creeped out) uh…wanna take some home with you?

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**Ben**: don't mind if I do! (stuffs cookies down his pants)

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**Grace**: you know, Ben, you're kind of a slut.

.

**Ben**: (grabs last cookie) huh?

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**Grace**: but I don't care! (grabs Ben and starts making out with him)

.

**Ben**: uh, okay…

.

* * *

**Adrian**: (on the phone with Amy) wait, what are you saying, you want us to be friends?

.

**Amy**: yeah! I mean, we are neighbors, and who knows…maybe someday our children can play together!

.

**Adrian**: yeah! Maybe they will!

.

**15 years later:**

Amy and Adrian are sitting in Amy's kitchen, waiting for the kids to come home and laughing about the good old days when they were both pregnant.

.

**Adrian**: oh Ames, I'm so glad you called me fifteen years ago and offered to be my friend! I've been having such a blast with you!

.

**Amy**: Yeah, me too! Well, except for the time you made Ricky cheat on me with you, and the time you staged a fake engagement to Ben just to piss me off, and a bunch of other stuff.

.

**Adrian**: Oh yeah, sorry 'bout that. But we're besties now, aren't we, Amy?

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**Amy**: oh yeah, totally. And I love how our kids are getting along so well! I mean, my little John has grown up so much, and your little Francia is starting to look just like you! You know, before you got all those plastic surgeries.

.

**Adrian**: (giggles) well, when you got yourself a rich baby daddy like Ben, you can get pretty much anything you need. I swear, getting pregnant in high school was the smartest thing I ever did!

.

(Door opens and John and Francia walk in).

**Amy and Adrian**: HEY KIDS! How was your day?

.

**John**: uh…(fiddles with collar)…is it getting hot in here?

.

**Francia**: (bites lip) do you wanna tell them or should I?

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**John**: I'll do it. Uh, mom, Aunt Adrian? We have to tell you something. You see, the other day, Francia and I were, uh, just playing doctor, and, well, I kinda knocked her up. (shuffles feet)

.

**Amy and Adrian:** (drop jaws)

.

**John**: But it was an accident, I swear!

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**Adrian**: WHAT THE F&%#? HAVEN'T YOU IDIOTS LEARNED ANYTHING FROM YOUR PARENTS?

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**Francia**: haven't _you_ learned anything from _yours?_

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**Adrian**: good point. (turns to Amy) AMY, WTF WERE YOU THINKING? (begins to imitate Amy) "Oh I'm Amy! Hey Adrian, we should be friends! And maybe our kids can play together someday!" WELL, THAT'S SURE DONE A HELL LOT OF GOOD!

.

**Amy**: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW OUR LIVES WOULD HAVE SUCH A REPETETIVE PLOT?

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**John**: Mom, Aunt Adrian, it's okay! Don't tell me you guys didn't expect this...I mean, you gotta remember whose kids we are.

.

**Amy and Adrian**: (slowly begin pulling out their own hair in frustration)

.

**Francia**: oh, and there's some good news! We ran into some TV writers, and they're going to make a TV show about us! (starts screaming excitedly).

.

**John**: yeah, it's gonna be called "_The Secret Lives of Players and Whores_." Sounds arousing, huh? (grins) Wanna hear the theme song?

.

**Amy**: NO! And you better think about what you've done, young man, because your father is going to be absolutely FURIOUS with you!

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**John**: psh, no he's not! He'll probably just give me another high-five and say "Attaboy!" like he's been doing since the first time I got laid!

.

**Amy**: WHAT?

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**John**: yeah, he's just glad _someone_ in the family is still getting some action after he got diagnosed with all those STD's.

.

**Amy**: (gapes at him)

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**Adrian**: and what about you, young lady? Aren't you ashamed of yourself? Haven't I always told you to stay protected? I mean, since you're just like me when I was in high school, you gotta keep poppin' those pills like they're gumballs! And you can't get another "_miscarriage_," 'cause you've already gotten nineteen of them this month!

.

**Francia**: (twirls hair) well, I was kinda bummed at first, but then I remembered that daddy's rich, so we can totally support this mistake! So now I'm just excited 'cause there's gonna be a TV show about me! WHOOO!

.

(Robby walks in)

**John**: 'Sup, Uncle Robby?

.

**Robby**: hey guys. Did ya break it to 'em yet?

.

**Francia**: Oh, hey, Robby, there you are! That reminds me, I think I'm having twins. And I'm pretty sure the other one is Robby's. So congrats Aunt Amy, you're gonna be an aunt _and_ a grandma! WHOOO!

.

**Amy**: (faints)

.

**Francia**: hmm, that didn't go as well as I'd hoped.

.

* * *

**A/N: Man, I gotta say, I love writing about John, Robby, and Adrian's kid all grown up. :) I actually think that might be an interesting idea for a spinoff show…since apparently, the writers like a good repetitive plot and no one on the show seems to learn from each other's mistakes. **

**So, what did you guys think? Should I continue, and do you guys have any suggestions on scenes you'd like to see spoofed? Review!**

**Oh, and 10 points to anyone who can guess where I got the 19 "**_**miscarriages**_**" thing from! :) **


	5. aren't we all so proud?

**A/N: So yeah, I'm bringing this parody back since I saw the last episode. It was just begging to be spoofed. XD**

**Also, thanks for the reviews from the last chapter! …It seems like I've got quite a few Shane Dawson fans reading this, since you guys knew I got "19 miscarriages" from him. So I put another SD reference in this chapter; let's see if you can find it! :)**

**Disclaimer: This is just a joke, so no offense to anyone who's pro-life, pro-choice, etc.**

**Episode Spoofed: Who Do You Trust**

**

* * *

**

Adrian: (walks in, flaunting her belly) LOOK AT ME, EVERYBODY! I'M PREGGERZ AND I'M PROUD!

.

Random Teacher: Uh, Ms. Lee? There have been some complaints from parents that you're glamorizing teen pregnancy , so if you could just—

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Adrian: AND WHY SHOULDN'T IT BE GLAMORIZED? Are you suggesting that all the girls here should get abortions when they eventually get knocked up?

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Random Teacher: Well actually, I'm pro-choice, but—

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Adrian: BABY KILLER, BABY KILLER! (looks around) NEVER get abortions, people! This pregnancy is the best thing that's ever happened to me! I can pig out all I want, I have this sexy glow, this wicked hot Jamie-Lynn Spears-belly, AND a $50,000 ring! Clearly, having a baby in high school was the best decision I've ever made!

.

Random Teacher: (scurries off in shame)

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Ben: (walks over and stares at Adrian's healthy snacks) What's with all the rabbit food?

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Adrian: I have to eat every two hours so my stomach can—

.

Ben: (GASP!) YOU SAID _STOMACH!_ (faints)

* * *

**OUTSIDE:**

...

Madison & Lauren: Sex, sex, sex, sexsexsexsex

.

Amy: Sex sex sex!

.

Ricky: Hey ladies. Sorry to interrupt your productive discussion.

.

Amy: Okay, Ricky, even though you've slept with every other girl here, I've decided I wanna do you all night long. I mean, you already knocked me up once, so what are the odds that it'll happen again, right?

.

Ricky: FINALLY! Hallelujah! (does victory dance) I'M GETTING' SOME TONIGHT, I'M GETTING' SOME TONIGHT…THAT'S THE THIRD TIME THIS _WEEK!_

.

Amy: Oh yeah. I wanna do it doggy style, do it in the car, in the shower, wherever you want. I just need you to do one little thing…

.

Ricky: WHAT? YOU ALREADY MADE ME GO ON A _DATE_, WHAT COULD YOU _POSSIBLY_ WANT NOW?

.

Amy: You need to get tested.

.

Ricky. My IQ's fine. How do you think I always remember condoms? (grins proudly and reaches in his pocket to pull one out for proof. Fifty condoms accidentally fall out and scatter.)

.

Amy: I meant for STD's. (eyes condoms as they continue to avalanche out.) Ricky, are you cheating on me?

.

Ricky: Psh, no! What would make you say that? (picks up condoms and stuffs them back in his pockets) And don't worry about STD's, I got my cootie shots in preschool. (winks)

.

Amy: I need to hear it from a doctor.

.

Ricky: FINE! (storms off)

* * *

**TEN MINUTES LATER**

...

Riacky: (speaking over the school's intercom) Excuse me, attention everyone. This is Ricky Underwood with your morning announcements. I want every girl who's slept with me who thinks she may have an STD to come to the office immediately. And yes, that includes cooties.

And here's a message from the principal: Ladies, this is just a reminder to stop giving birth in the girls' bathroom. Thank you, that is all.

* * *

**AMY'S HOUSE**

...

Amy: Hey Dad, I just wanted to let you know I'm probably gonna be having loads of sex with my baby daddy soon.

.

George: WHAT? WHATEVER HAPPENED TO PLAYING WITH YOURSELF?

.

Amy: There's only so much you can do with five fingers and a vibrator, Dad. (rolls eyes). Sooner or later, you're gonna run out of adult movies, and you're gonna need the disco stick.

.

George: I can get you some more? (whips out notepad and pen) What kind of porn gets you off the most? Personally, I like girl-on-girl, but—

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Amy: No THANKS, Dad, I'm gonna have sex with Ricky! And it doesn't matter what you say, 'cause I'm gonna do what I want anyway! I just felt that since you're my dad, you really needed to know all the intimate details of my sex life. Like how we're gonna do it doggy-style, and—

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John: SEX! (smiles happily)

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Amy: (GASP!) John just said his first word! I'm so PROUD!

* * *

**GRACE'S HOUSE**

...

Grace: Hey Mom, guess what? I know you waited 'till you were married to have sex, but Grant and I went SIX WHOLE WEEKS without humping each other's brains out! Aren't you so proud of us?

.

Grant: Yeah, and she was really pushing me, too. You have no idea how many times she tried to tear my clothes off. At one point, she nearly raped me, but I stayed strong! (smiles proudly)

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Kathleen: You should really wait a little longer.

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Grace: WHAT ARE WE, _NUNS?_

* * *

**MADISON'S HOUSE:**

...

Madison: Hey Dad, can I go out with my boss? He's a 20-year-old high school dropout who's been divorced, but he's going back to school, so I'm positive you'll love him! And even if you tell us not to have sex, I'll always have Plan B…. J. (grins)

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Madison's Dad: Mads, how many times do I have to tell you? NEVER do that with your boss unless he offers you _at least_ a 10% raise! Have some _class!_

* * *

**BEN'S HOUSE:**

...

Ben: Hey Dad, you're gonna be really proud of me! Today, I heard the words cervix, vagina, and vulva and I didn't pass out even once! I'm so…mature…(throws up inside mouth a little).

.

Leo: (shakes head)

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Betty: Oh Ben, you're gonna be a great Dad!

...

* * *

**A/N: So yeah, review! Tell me what you guys thought of the episode! Bonus points if you got this chapter's Shane Dawson reference! **


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